


"i hate you"

by DarlingHazel



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half-Life
Genre: Fluff, M/M, bc phones and all, it's not that good i swear it's just a bunch of blabber, kind of set in the future/present instead??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:09:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingHazel/pseuds/DarlingHazel
Summary: Gordon's a little kind of definitely in love with Benrey, but he'll never say it to his face.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 56
Kudos: 571





	"i hate you"

“I hate you.”

Benrey quirks a brow, smile tugging lazily at his lips, bringing his cheeks up in a bright, handsome way as he stares at Gordon with the most amused expression he’s seen to date.

“Aw, bro. You don’t mean it,” he says, then blows a kiss.

Gordon shudders with a cringe. “Yeah, okay, whatever,  _ sure.” _

“Really, you don’t.”

“Definitely do but whatever helps ya sleep at night, bud.”

When Benrey rolls his eyes from the floor, Gordon takes that as his cue to finally roll off his mattress and make for the door. Just ignore that he’s in Benrey’s room, that he was lying in his bed and taking up all the space like some cat while leaving the other man to sit on the ground by his desk.

“Where ya going, man?” Benrey asks.

Oh, so he’s  _ curious  _ now.

“Home, I’m tired.” Gordon lets his fingers curl around the knob, staring back at Benrey expressionless.

_ Stop me. _

He just kind of sits there, just as expressionless, eyes locked with Gordon’s in an almost teasing manner.  _ Everything he does is always just teasing. _

“Why don’t you stay the night?”

Ignoring the way his chest clenches happily, Gordon lets out an exaggerated groan. “Why would I wanna stay with  _ you?” _

“Ouchie, Gordie.”

Benrey says nothing further, still gazing into Gordon’s soul even as he stands by the door motionlessly. “Alright, fine,” Gordon huffs. “See ya.”

Benrey’s eyes widen a smidge, causing satisfaction to grip at Gordon, and he sits up straighter. “Nah man, stay. We can play video games and shit.”

“We already did that, I’m tired and I don’t like your company.”  _ Lies. _

“Okay, then sleep here? I can get more blankets if you get cold. And I’ll leave if you want.”

Gordon takes a quick glance at Benrey’s thin sheets and messy pillows, and he shrugs. “I mean, if you insist. Whatever. You can stay too I guess. Don’t wake me up though.”

“Sure, yeah, fine. Whatever.”

They both slip into some comfortable silence as Gordon walks back to the bed and slips under the covers, curling up with his eyes closed while Benrey’s still sitting by his desk scratching his knee absent-mindedly.

After a moment, Gordon raises his voice.

“How am I supposed to sleep if you keep doing that?”

“What?” Benrey looks at him with knitted brows, mouth agape.

Gordon stares back with heavy lids and lips stretched into a thin line. “So you’re just gonna, what, keep messing with your fuckin’ jeans or whatever while I’m out? I need to sleep, man.”

“Jeez, bro, if I’m gonna be playing games…”

“... You don’t seem to be planning on doing that. Where are you gonna sleep?”

Silence.

_ Ah. _

Gordon snorts amused, but despite it all sleep tugs at him until he can’t keep his eyes open long enough to stare at the black curls lying at the back of Benrey’s neck all messy. “You’re stupid,” he mutters exhausted. Benrey says nothing in response, and Gordon can’t open his eyes to check if he’s still there, or if it’s all just a dream.

_ Is it all even real? _

…

A humming drags Gordon out of his wonderfully cozy and cold sleep, calm and smooth but low. Sounding like angels singing, sweet and harmonious.

When his eyes open, Benrey’s still sitting on the floor, legs crossed. He’s got his head leaning on the edge of the mattress, not too far from Gordon’s own, but he’s looking down at his phone scrolling through God knows what.

Gordon chooses not to say anything and finds that it doesn’t take much in him to keep his mouth shut anyways with Benrey humming like that. He just closes his eyes again and tries to quiet his breathing to hear a little more of the oh so soft voice.

Only for it to get cut off by a stupid little snort and the mattress shaking a little with Benrey’s shoulders. It’s held back, obviously, but it was involuntary and stupidly nice.

Gordon forgets who he is when he asks, “What ya laughin’ at?” groggily.

Benrey doesn’t react like he expects though, doesn’t move away or jump or swear at him. He just keeps his head on the edge of the bed right by Gordon’s without issue, thumb still moving on his screen. “Memes.”

“You’re weird.”

“Bitch boy,” Benrey states flatly, but it holds no malice. It’s just kind of words put together without thought, or feeling. It makes Gordon smile and lean in a bit more away from the pillows, helps him to smell the cologne dripping off Benrey that he didn’t notice before as strongly as he does now.

But it’s quiet and cozy as Gordon peers over Benrey’s shoulder to stare at his phone. “Dude, you’re not even looking at them.”

“I am, you’re just slow,” Benrey retorts without bite. He leans back a bit so that his head is right besides Gordon, letting the man see his phone better. “Read faster, old man. Buuuh,” he makes a stupid voice at that last one, mocking Gordon.

Gordon rolls his eyes and leans in more, to the point where his head is touching Benrey’s just barely and it makes his heart jump in his chest. “Shut up, you’re so annoying.”

“Auuugh, fuck youuu,” Benrey continues in his stupid voice, slurring the words like a drunk man. Gordon’s seen Benrey drunk, and Benrey drunk is just Benry normal but extra sleepy and more annoying. All  _ “nice ass, Feetman”  _ and stuff.

It’s a hot minute before Gordon realizes Benrey’s stopped scrolling entirely, instead just staring at the comments on one post without actually looking at the screen. He’s just looking past it, at the ground. His brows furrow in concern.

“Ben?”

No response.

“Hey, Benrey,” Gordon props himself up on his elbows and shoves Benrey lightly, but the other doesn’t respond. He’s  _ zoning out  _ again. Christ. “Oh, I see, I’m not  _ worth your attention,”  _ Gordon mocks but Benrey doesn’t even blink. He tries to ignore that stupid sting, that ache. It’s kid shit.

Pouting, Gordon leans back against the pillows and waits with his fingers clasped together for Benrey to come back to reality. He looks at the clock and sees that it’s just past midnight, so he got little to no sleep and so did Benrey. Maybe Benrey’s asleep right now.

But he’s on the goddamn  _ ground. _

Gordon groans inwardly and gets up again, this time planting his feet on the ground in front of Benrey and sitting knee-to-knee from the other. “Benrey,” he calls out, daring to place his hands on the thighs of the other man. This is just normal friend stuff, Benrey touches his thighs all the time. It’s  _ fine. _

They sit quietly for a few minutes, maybe even dragging out to an  _ hour,  _ and Benrey just stares down without a shine in his eye as Gordon keeps his own eyes peeled open in worry. It seriously is starting to freak him out, because Benrey usually doesn’t zone out this hard, for this long. It’s not usually like this. But he stays quiet, because last time he interrupted Benrey’s moment, he got slapped. He doesn’t want to  _ scare  _ him or anything.

“Benrey?” He says again, and hates how his voice cracks uncertainly. No response.

And wow, that dull ache from earlier just multiplies  _ tenfold,  _ making Gordon’s chest sting bad as he stares at the shell of a man before him. “Benrey,” he repeats, feeling the sense of urgency overtake him. Is it his fault? Does Benrey not want him around? Is he annoyed, trying to get him out?

Millions of thoughts run through his head, and all he can do is shake. “Benrey,” he breathes again, but this time his voice is so much softer while his hands lift off the other’s thighs, “you’re there, right? Ben?”  _ Don’t leave me, I’m so sick of losing you again and again. _

_ Wow,  _ Gordon’s so weak. He’s had to watch his buddies get hit at work constantly, had to listen to his friend talk aimlessly about his childhood before his eyes lost all light and Gordon found no pulse, he’s had to get used to  _ death  _ and  _ overwhelmed people  _ at his workplace but he’s never gotten to get used to  _ Benrey  _ enough. Never, never. He can’t handle the thought of having to get used to people leaving him. People like  _ Benrey. _

Fear and panic grips at him, and he starts to tremble, “Please, you’re here? You in there? Talk to me, buddy.”

This is  _ stupid. _

_ So stupid. _

He’s just getting hung up over some co worker, some guy, some.

_ Idiot. _

So why is he crying when the other won’t even respond?

“Fuck,” he stammers and rubs at his wet eyes tiredly,  _ why does it hurt? _

He can’t help himself when, out of pure instinct, he pulls Benrey closer to him and hugs his waist weakly. And he sobs, because, well, he’s never quite  _ sobbed  _ before and he gets so  _ frustrated  _ around Benrey because Benrey strips his feelings raw and makes him do shit and think shit he’s never thought before, and it’s  _ Benrey  _ and he’s so scared of losing the one person who’s never quite left his side.

He feels his throat closing, feels his heart start to tear itself apart as he remembers the feeling of everyone turning against him when he got pissed once, but all Benrey did was smile at him and challenge him to keep going in spite of them. Fuck, he really did that.

They’ve only known each other a little over a year since meeting one day at work, but they’ve been through a lot in every experiment, test, passing glances at lunch. All Benrey really did was make fun of Gordon, challenge him to do things and watch him mess up and  _ laugh.  _ They hung out on free days or just right after work to play games, smoke, or simply  _ exist  _ in each other's presence. Benrey always kind of had his back, and Gordon  _ hates  _ him but only because he  _ loves  _ him and he  _ hates  _ that he  _ loves  _ him and he  _ hates  _ that a simple moment of Benrey looking off like one of his dead co-workers is enough to make him cry and shake  _ and -- _

A  _ woah  _ from above breaks his train of thought, and before he can stutter out an excuse in his fucked up state, arms are suddenly wrapped awkwardly around him.

“Shit, man, what happened?” Benrey asks clueless, rubbing stiff circles in Gordon’s back, almost like boxes. But it’s still so comforting to hear his voice, as low and monotonous as it is.

Gordon hics, and sits up but doesn’t quite pull away. “I thought you were -- I thought -- like, Jeff --”

“Jeff? What, the dead one? You thought I was dead?”

Benrey sounds  _ amused,  _ and it takes all of Gordon not to just punch him and leave right there. “Fuck you, fuck you --”

“I’m here right now, smartass. You were brave enough to hug me but too pussy to check my pulse?” Benrey questions, all bark but no bite, the real stinger is the way he laughs. “Gordon, please.”

“Well I’m  _ sorry,  _ I’m a pussy! I was fucking worried, okay? Can you  _ blame  _ me?” Gordon practically shouts, ripping himself out of Benrey’s warm arms. His tears still strolled down his face, and if anything, he feels angrier and even more hurt.

“Dude, you’re not  _ listening,”  _ Benrey hisses, and grabs Gordon’s forearm, “I’m  _ here.”  _ And he pulls Gordon back.

“What --” “-- I’m not planning on going anywhere, man.”

Gordon’s jaw slacks pathetically, and he lays there stupid in Benrey’s lap looking up at the man dumbfounded. “What?”

“Shut up, you want my comfort or what?” Benrey says flatly, but he clears his throat and Gordon flushes when he sees the way Benrey’s fidgeting nervously, toying with the hem of his own hoodie. “Like, it’s whatever if you wanna leave, but I’m not gonna  _ die  _ or anything. I’ll send some hot shower pics when you’re home if you want.”

“Wh --” Gordon inhales shakily and cuts himself off before he can’t stop saying  _ what,  _ and he marvels at how vulnerable Benrey looks in this moment. “Comfort?”

“Yeah, like, I don’t like seeing you cry, man. I dunno. You going home?”

When Gordon says nothing, Benrey looks back at him with furrowed brows and opens his mouth to speak when suddenly arms are thrown around him and Gordon’s burying his face in his neck, breaking out into tears again.

“Guess not,” Benrey breathes, but it’s so gentle in the way it’s said that it  _ chokes  _ Gordon even more.

“You’re -- alive,” Gordon muffles into his neck, uncaring of the mess he’s making in Benrey’s hoodie, because Benrey’s got so many and Gordon can lend him his if he gets pissed. He knows Benrey would agree without hesitation.

Benrey hums, and lifts one arm around Gordon’s back to play with his hair, “Yeah. I mean, mostly. Definitely not on the inside.”

“Edgy ass,” Gordon snaps but he keeps his face in the comfortable crook of Benrey’s neck and almost nuzzles it, “alive, Benrey.” He sniffs, feels his tears running dry.

“Alive, Gordon?” Benrey snorts, and squeezes him a little. A little  _ comfortingly. _

_ He doesn’t hear Benrey say that a lot. _

“Call me Gordon again.”

“Why?” The man retorts, using his free hand to pick his phone back up and start scrolling again as his other thumb rubs more smoother circles into Gordon’s nape.

“You talk too much.”

“Give me one good reason to stop.”

Silence.

Benrey snorts, “You like my voice,” he teases but he lets go of his phone for a moment to rub his cheek in Gordon’s hair, “I like your hair.”

_ Well, alright. _

“I do,” Gordon agrees. To both.

And wow, it’s just a little different right now. Being in Benrey’s comforting hold right by his bed, admitting to liking his voice, and.

_ I like  _ you _ too. _

But he doesn’t say that, instead he says, “I hate you.”

“Yeah, okay,” Benrey drops his phone to the hard floor and wraps Gordon completely in his arms, “you don’t mean it.”

And they both know he doesn’t, as he feels his eyes getting heavier and heavier.

“I’mma pass out,” Benrey mumbles. A slurred  _ me too  _ manages to escape from Gordon’s lips, and he feels Benrey’s head drop on top of his. And he hears a nice, stable heartbeat followed by his slow and relaxed breathing.

When Gordon doesn’t hear Benrey speaking any more, he assumes the man’s asleep and safe. So, right before he slips under, he moves to wrap one arm around Benrey’s neck and hold him more comfortably, and he hums, deep.

“... hate you.”

And Benrey snorts, then Gordon can feel his lips pressing against his hair, and he flushes. “... love ya too, Gordon.”

_ Fuck. _

And Gordon’s out like a light.

**Author's Note:**

> awgshejfbahdsjn i'm sorry i am Considering deleting this but i might leave it up idk it's. i didn't read over it i just wrote it immediately and then went straight to posting it ! i wanna write more fics inspired by this series now it was so good and HDBSIHDFJN but idKKK if i SHOULD but i have so many IDEAS but i feel they'd all lead up to just cuddling??? i'm in a mass panic im sorry
> 
> i hope you enjoyed n thank you for reading (ily) my tumblr is nancywrote i cant believe i've been putting off writing stranger things fics all in favor of This New Mild Hyperfixation thanks jay :D


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